I am almost 40 years old (at the time of writing this) and I
have lived in a lot of states here in the U.S. I’ve lived in the north, the
west coast, the east coast, and lived more than half my life in the south. In
my time dwelling under the Mason-Dixon line, I was surrounded by things like the
confederate flag, homophobia, transgender phobia, and all the other oh-so-lovely
things that come with southern living.
Most of my childhood, teenage years, and early adulthood was
spent being molded in “stars and bars country” and for a long time it shaped my
world view in some tragic ways.
Come
for the hate, stay for the psychological damage!
I grew up in a town where, if you told your best friend of
the same gender that you loved them (as a friend or otherwise) you were labeled
as a “faggot.” If you dated outside your own race, regardless of which race -- Asian
with a white person, African American with an Hispanic person, etc -- you were
labeled a “nigger lover.” (their words, not mine.) Even if you were a bisexual
female – which seems to be the most widely accepted form of homosexuality in
the U.S. cause, you know, horny men – you were still called the OTHER “F-word.”
For a miserably long time I adopted a passive version of
this way of thinking. I found homosexuality disgusting and weird. Two dudes
kissing? Ewwwwwwwwwww...... You know, that sort of thing. But beyond that, I didn’t
give it much thought because it wasn’t part of my immediate world view. As far
as I knew, I didn’t have gay relatives. None of my friends were gay. So it didn’t
directly affect me.
My first experience with homosexuality was when I was in
high school and I started dating a girl who was bisexual. The homophobic part
of me was kind of wary of it, but the horny male in me was like “Fuck yeah! Two
chicks at once!” Yeah, I know. You don’t even have to say it.
There was one day in particular that I remember clearly and
I think it’s when I started (slowly) questioning my own homophobia. I was
walking home from school with the girl I mentioned and her girlfriend and a car full of guys
drove by. As they sped past, they leaned out the window and called her and her
girlfriend all kinds of homophobic slurs. “Dyke,” “queer,” “fag,” etc. My first
thought was, “Dude, it’s two CHICKS together! How could you be against
something so hot and awesome??” I know it’s kind of a sad way to coming around
to the reality of how bad the problem is, but it’s what happened. From that day
onward, my eyes started opening to how the world really works with these kind
of assholes and it made me wonder why I felt the way they did.
 |
| hypnocreative / 123RF Stock Photo
But I don't FEEL like an asshole...? Maybe I should call Dr. Phil.
|
In my later years, I moved to a bigger town that was more
accepting of interracial and homosexual relationships. As a teenager that grew
up around bigotry for yeeeears, it fucked with my “sensibilities.” I wasn’t a total
dick towards gay people, but I wasn’t exactly the most welcoming person. I wound up hanging out with gay people because they were friends with my straight friends. And
while I kept my opinion to myself, inside I was squeamish as all holy fuck. Gay
dudes were gross to me. Lesbian women were a turn off. I wasn’t fully aware of the fact that I had a pretty shitty view of other people in
general growing up.
It wasn’t until I saw the issue of gay marriage being raised
several years ago that I started to fully confront my own way of thinking. In the
small town I lived in, I was unsurprisingly tormented for various reasons. I moved there when I was in 3rd grade and didn’t
leave until I was in the middle of high school. If it wasn’t because I was the new kid, then it was about my weight, or it was
my acne, or whatever random bullshit they wanted to pull out of their ass. There was tons of shit said about me or directly to me. So,
as an underdog myself, I started realizing that I understood in a small way how
people in the homosexual community felt. And as my self-awareness grew, I
started becoming aware of others' homophobia as well. What floored me was that
some of the things I heard from people were not exactly attacking, but it wasn’t
accepting either. Perfect example would be a family member who still looks at
two men kissing on tv and says “Ew, that’s gross.” Thankfully this person is kind
enough to not say those kind of things in public. I think a lot of my distant relatives feel the way this person does and it makes me sad.
Don’t get me wrong. The years of living in that southern
hell hole scarred me and I still find myself saying “Ew” to myself when I see
two dudes kissing. I have to stop myself before the thought continues and
remind myself that human beings in love and showing affection are NOT
disgusting. They are being human. Just like I am being when I show affection
with my wife. It does not mean that I have to be attracted to them. What it
does mean is that I have to respect them as human beings.
Which brings me to the reason I started writing this: A
friend of mine wrote something on his FB page about whether he would serve
straight couples if the tables were turned. Being a reasonable, non-asshole, he
said he wouldn’t just quit his job or be mean to them. My response to his status is as follows and
I’d like to expand on it:
“...you haven't psychologically
bullshitted yourself with religious buzzwords into believing a viewpoint of
bigotry. To (homophobes), they don't believe they are bigots because they have
sugar coated their personal language. Instead of calling gay people the OTHER
"f word" they use "adam
and eve, not adam and steve" or they say it's against the bible and
give no more forethought. If pressed for clarification, or asked directly, if
it's because they think it's gross (which is what their real problem is) their brains
will start bulking and going haywire… their programming is being
"hacked" in a manner of speaking. If they live with this way of
thinking for a long time, it will become a part of their identity and as people
grow older they cling to an identity harder and harder as the world changes
around them so they can feel comfortable and stable. Messing with a person's
long held beliefs can cause them to psychologically crumble. This is why many
of those people refuse to change their minds because they don't want to learn a
different way to think and feel. It would fundamentally change their personal
identity.”
Think back on everything that I talked about with my own
personal experiences. I was surrounded by homophobic people that didn’t even
believe they were being homophobic (except, of course, the people who would sling racial and homophobic slurs. Fuck those people.) I, myself, never considered myself a bigot
in any way, shape, or form. And yet I was. I was giving into the social norms
that surrounded me and I let it reshape my view of the world.
The truest essence of who I am is not hateful. I have always
wanted peace and freedom for all. I have always wanted the best for other
people. And I truly feel that the majority of people on this planet are good
and want good for others. This is why I am starting to believe that we should try
to educate people who have a homophobic view of the world. If I hadn’t been around
gay people as I grew up, my views would have never changed. I’ve noticed over
the years that most reasonable people will change their opinions if they are friends
with somebody who goes against that opinion.
So I believe one of the best ways to combat homophobia is for the gay community to try to become friends with homophobic people. I know it's not an easy solution and there will be resistance to this idea from both sides. I can hear some of my friends saying, "You want ME to be friends with that asshole over there that wants to beat me up?? Are you NUTS??"
He seems reasonable. What could possibly go wrong?
I get that. And my view is that it needs to be done with caution. Don't just walk up to a bunch of racist skinheads and go "Hey, I'm gay! Wanna go get a drink?" Not a good idea. But, generally speaking, in my own personal experience I have found that when people like you, they are more accepting of the way you are and, in turn, will be more accepting of the way other people are who share your traits. People respond better to kindness and compassion rather than punishment and dismissal. And scientific research may have proven that.
I know it's easier to yell at someone who doesn't agree with you. And it's vastly easier to slap a label on someone and mentally kick them to the curb rather than trying to understand them. I have been guilty of this many times (including in this article.) But think about it: Why are these people like this? No one is born hating anyone. In the beginning we are all taught how to think and what to feel. Eventually some of us form our own opinions, but really. No one comes out of the womb with a swastika on their forehead. So why do they hate? It may be because their religion told them to. It may be that their immediate social situation told them to (friends can be assholes.) Or it may mean that they, themselves, are gay but afraid to come out.
So take a moment before dismissively calling someone a homophobe and think about where they are coming from. You might find that giving them a handshake may help your situation more than berating them. Or at the very least, just be nice to them. They are expecting you to fight with them. You are representing the very people they are uncomfortable with. In their eyes you are an icon. Don't give them fuel to feed their narrow-minded point of view. That just reinforces their stereotype. We don't just need equality in the world, we need leaders. Lead by example and be the change you want to see in the world. Show that you are not what they fear. Compassion takes all the fight out of the fight and when confronted with this information, there is a chance that they will eventually have to question their own personal views. And isn't that what we supporters, and members, of the LGTBQ community truly want?
