I am Jack's Inner Douchebag

So I wrote a blog post earlier and later deleted it. It was a good one, too. It was a scathing entry about how someone had done something that I was doing and it pissed me off. I know that's vague, but I don't feel like rehashing the situation. Basically I felt they were stealing my idea (that I got from someone else, go figure.)

Come to find out a few hours later they had started theirs right before I did. Oopsie. Suddenly I felt like douchebag.

I often have moments where I see something that pisses me off and I jump the gun on it. I automatically assume that something -- or someone -- is fucking me over without buying me dinner and immediately I get defensive. Unfortunately it's a part of my bipolarism. It's sad, really. I usually feel like a complete moron afterwards. And it happens more often than you would think.

I posted a two-part vlog on my youtube channel a few months ago about being bipolar. You can find them here and here. Being bipolar, in a few words, sucks ass. I can be sitting there feeling just fine, then something will happen and suddenly I take it completely wrong and get pissed off. Or I'll get frustrated with a situation and get angry, but can't find the words to express how I feel, so I shut down. I don't want anyone or anything to touch me, talk to me, or even look at me. I feel like I could explode at any minute. And it sucks when I do because everyone around me gets hurt by my words.

I used to be violent when I was a teenager and in my early 20s. I broke a lot of objects. Punched a lot of holes in walls. Not proud of it at all, but it is what it is. I don't do any of that shit anymore. Now I keep myself contained and walk away. I sulk, I brood, I go spend time alone. Usually I'll go play video games where I can shoot people or beat people up, or I'll listen to loud music. That calms me down the most.

Anyway, I deal with shit better than I used to, but I still scare people sometimes. I don't mean to. I never mean to. But I have been told that the looks I give when I am pissed could burn holes. Sometimes I wish they could see the person I used to be so they would know how much I have changed for the better. I used to be a fucking asshole. Now I'm just a dickhead with a blog.